Archive for the 'Things that make us hurt inanimate objects' Category

Apr 11

What, Me Panic?

Fans do silly things, FML, Nice little offseason, Offense is offensive, RAYSHEADS, Sometimes cold isn't that cold, Things that make me want to club a stuffed baby seal, Things that make us hurt inanimate objects, Victory!, Vote or Die, We are mad as hell Jordi Scrubbings 16 Comments »

When we need s sensible take, we always turn to our correspondent. Jordi Scrubbings is back with another take on the Rays…

I’ve been looking up a lot lately. Apparently, the sky is falling. I hear people are getting ready to fling themselves from skyscrapers, kiss their wives or husbands good-bye, and stock up on canned goods and bottled water.

It’s the end of the world as we know it. Yet I feel fine.

The Rays are in an early season slump. Word on the street is that I must react by “panicking” – whatever that means.

I’m not really sure how to panic for a sports team. After 9/11, I stopped talking to foreigners, cut communications with my neighbors, and even closed myself from my family. They could have all been terrorists. I tuned in regularly to the National Security Color Code Chart to see how safe I was. I watched my friends like a hawk to ensure they weren’t plotting against America. I also stopped eating French fries, French toast, Canadian bacon, and Taco Bell. I took every precaution.

A few years ago, after Read the rest of this entry »

Dec 11

Carl Crawford, Member Of The Boston Red Sox

Carl Crawford, Things that make us hurt inanimate objects Cork Gaines 1 Comment »

Carl Crawford was introduced this morning as a member of the Boston Red Sox…

Jul 31

Tampa Bay Rays Employee Openly Roots For Yankees

Things that make us hurt inanimate objects Cork Gaines 26 Comments »

Usually on the final strike of a loss to the Yankees, our face is buried in our hands. But thankfully one reader had his eye still fixed on their TV set. Otherwise, we might have never noticed this craptastic moment…

The gentleman in the blue polo is part of the Tampa Bay Rays security staff. He is responsible for the gate that opens immediately behind homeplate.

It is difficult to tell from this still-frame, but immediately after Michel Hernandez swung and missed at strike three to end the game, this member of security threw up both of his fists in an obvious bout of celebration (for those of you that have the MLB.tv package, we encourage you to go back and watch for yourselves to get the full effect).

To repeat: That is a Rays employee, openly rooting for the Yankees, at Tropicana Field.

Luckily we are never at a loss for words, or we would be at a loss for words.

Are you &#@%ing kidding us?

It is bad enough Raysheads have to put up with 15,000 obnoxious Yankees fans at the Trop. At least they are putting money in the Rays pockets and helping to improve the product on the field. But now we have to deal with Rays employees openly rooting for the Rays’ hated rival?

Listen, we are not saying that all employees have to be fans of the Rays. But if you are indeed a Yankees fan and the Rays are putting money in your pocket, SHUT. THE BLEEP. UP.

May 15

If You Guys Are Going To Play Like The Devil Rays…

Things that make us hurt inanimate objects Cork Gaines 22 Comments »

phpIdny9AWe don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. The Rays suck right now. The Rays are playing like everybody’s scared of losing their job. The starters can’t even work five innings, the closer can’t protect a six-run lead, the all-star catcher can’t hit, the center fielder is not playing like an all-star and there’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there’s no end to it.

We know the Rays are hard to watch, and we sit watching our TV’s while Dewayne Staats tells us that today the Rays struck out 15 times and committed four errors, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

We know things are bad – worse than bad. They’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t watch after the sixth inning. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, ‘Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let us have our LOST and our Daily Show and our Conan O’Brien and we won’t say anything. Just don’t make us watch this shitty baseball team. But no, we have to watch.

And because we watch, all we know is we are mad. WE ARE MAD AS HELL AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

But we are not going to protest. We are not going to riot. We are not going to write our congressman. Heck we are not even going to open the window and yell.

We can live with one ugly loss. Heck we are Rays fans…we can live with a LOT of ugly losses. But if the Rays are going to play like the Devil Rays, well, then we are going to start calling them the Devil Rays.

From now, until the Tampa Bay Rays have a winning record, we will only refer to the team as the “Devil Rays.” The team wants to be “The Rays” and be the beacon of sunlight shining through The Trop’s roof? Then they better damn well stop playing like the bottom-dwelling fish.

And we will pay the fines. For every instance in which we use the team’s old moniker, we will donate $1 to the Tampa Bay Rays Foundation,  until the team has a winning record, or the end of the season, whichever comes first.

But the team better not assume that we will be giddy because the money will go to a good cause. We are talking about our beer money and we don’t give that up without throwing a few punches.

By our count, we are already out $5 and the Devil Rays ($6) are still 4 games under .500. So this might add up.