Archive for the 'FireJoeMorgan.com' Category

Nov 14

[PARTY AT PLASCHKE'S] FireJoeMorgan Moves Out Mom’s Basement, Closes Doors

FireJoeMorgan.com, Food metaphors, Schadenfreude Cork Gaines 3 Comments »

FireJoeMorgan seems to think they can just close up shop and deprive us all of whatever it was they did, which somehow always made us feel better about ourselves.

The Professor: OMG OMG OMG!!! It’s an FJMchat! Get out your [sic]s, fire up the WTF?! machine and say your goodbyes, people.*

FireJoeMorgan: Hello, everyone.

TP: Yes, this is a rambling, dumb opening statement, in which FJM lay down their patented two word information-less vamp before just getting to the motherfletching point. And yes, what they actually say is particularly dumb.

FJM: After 21 years, and almost 40 million posts (we’ll have to check those numbers, but it’s something like that), we have decided to bring FJM to an end.

TP: WTF?!

FJM: Although we have not lost our borderline-sociopathic joy for meticulously criticizing bad sports journalism, the realities of our professional and personal lives make FJM a time/work luxury we can no longer afford.

TP: Is there any less specific analysis than “It’s not you, it’s us?” It is timeless, generic, and unhelpful. If FJM were an actual media criticizing blog — and we were forced repeatedly to conclude that they were not (they really just had a crush on Joe Morgan) — they might have said something about the socio-economic times or how being married keeps a good man down or that they finally decided to move out of their mom’s basement or something. Instead, what they are contractually obligated to say is: “the realities of our professional and personal lives.” Which is true of every blogger, every single year. So, nice work.

FJM: We started this site with two purposes: to make each other laugh, and to aid and abet the Presidential campaign of Bob Barr. Although we failed in the latter goal, we gleefully succeeded in the first, and thanks to a grassroots internetty [sic] word-of-mouth kind of a deal, we appear to have positively affected the lives of actual citizens as well, which astonishes and delights us to this day. We really never thought FJM would be for anyone but us. We are thrilled and kind of humbled to have been proven wrong.

TP: Yes, we like to make up words also, but for old time’s sake, let’s just throw a [sic] after “internetty” for the fun of it. If anything, it is a word that would only be spoken by somebody that writes a blog while wearing Superman Underoos and eating leftover meatloaf.

FJM: We thank all of you for the kind emails, and the tips, and the support. To each and every person who ever contacted us: hat tip to you.

TP: You have no idea what you are talking about. Most of the emails were just your mom emailing you repeatedly to boost your confidence in hopes that you guys will someday meet girls. The rest were from Jon Miller.

FJM: Perhaps the future holds another project for us on which to waste massive amounts of time. For now, we will leave the site and the archives up as a testament to the fact that if you work hard enough, and blow off enough social occasions, and stare at the internet enough, and get nerdy enough, and repeatedly ignore entreaties from your friends and loved ones to please God stop blogging about Bill Plaschke and get out of the house it’s a beautiful day!, then you, too, can…have a blog.

TP: We need to create a whole new blog called HireFireJoeMorgan.

Sure, FJM led the blogosphere in stats like WHE (working hard enough), BOSO (blowing off social occasions), SRI (staring at internet per 9 innings) and NERD+ (nerdiness). Those stats tell us pretty accurately what FJM did for the internet.

But those stats are not the real reason FJM became first-ballot blog hall of famers. The real reasons are the factors that can’t be measured with an abacus. FJM was scrappy. They were gritty. They had spunk. They were smart. And why? Because they were able to overcome handicaps such as the 5′x5′ unfinished basement with a pot in the corner for a commode. They were able to overcome the 486 computer running windows 3.1 and dial-up internet….WHIRRRRLLLL-BEEP-BEEP-PFT-BEEP-BOING-BOING-DING-BEEP-PISSSSSSSSSS-BOING…You’ve Got Mail!

FJM: Again, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you. And as Joe Morgan himself might say: “I really haven’t seen them play…slidepiece…Dave Concepcion.”

TP: No. Joe Morgan would have said “You have to keep talent if you’re going to build, even if they are going to trade this in for real lives. They’ve been the best blog, so yes, I think it was a good move.”

FJM: Love, dak, Junior, and Ken

TP: Fire these people. Immediately.

*Most of the commentary in this post was blatantly stolen from the archives of Fire Joe Morgan. We could think of no better way to tribute their greatness than by dishing to them a little of their own medicine…literally (sorta).

Post #1377: The Relatively Short Goodbye [Fire Joe Morgan]

Mar 16

[ROCCO BALDELLI] Apparently Rocco Baldelli’s Condition Is A Joke To Kevin Hench

FireJoeMorgan.com, Rocco Baldelli Cork Gaines 3 Comments »

Kevin Hench is a friggin’ idiot. He thinks he is funny by making fun of Rocco Baldelli. He is not.

Rocco Baldelli is a five-tool player: and those tools are scalpel, knee brace, cane, sling and Ace bandage…Baldelli has appeared in 127 of a possible 486 games the last three seasons. And — surprise! — he will begin this season on the disabled list. His latest DL-inducing “injury” is exhaustion. Who does he think he is, Mariah Carey? And what is he exhausted from, the off-season?…He may be only 26, but after four seasons he has proven two things definitely: he can’t stay healthy and he doesn’t know the strike zone. He has a career .324 OBP and strikes out four times as much as he walks. In 1,656 career at bats he has drawn only 83 walks. He’s exhausted, and he’s exhausted the patience of Rays fans, tired of watching him strike out on balls in the dirt.

The fine guys at Fire Joe Morgan have already done a far better job of ripping Hench to shreds in a way that we could not do it justice. They sum up this idiocy best in their final sentence.

Again, there is nothing funny about this. Kevin Hench owes Rocco Baldelli an apology. Simple as that.

Don’t get me wrong. We have made our fair share of jokes at Rocco’s expense. However, we would like to think that those were more like playful ribbing, kinda like how we tease Mrs. Professor about her driving. However, in Rocco’s case, it took us about 0.3 seconds to decide that we would no longer do that once we learned that there was a physiological and probable genetic basis to his injuries. And despite the occasional punchlines in the past, we are now miserable about the thought that Rocco’s career might be over and there is nothing that anybody can do about it.

As one Rays fan, I can tell you that I am “so tired” of watching Rocco Baldelli that I would seriously consider giving him one of my hamstrings if I thought it could help him play for another 12-15 years. And I am willing to bet I am not the only Rays fan that would stand in that line.

I really wish I could kick Hench in his balls.

Hit List: Daly’s career in the rough [Fox Sports]
You Just Don’t Say Things Like That About The Woonsocket Rocket [Fire Joe Morgan]

Mar 05

[FERNANDO PEREZ] Rays Prospect Overcomes Handicap

David Eckstein, Fernando Perez, FireJoeMorgan.com Cork Gaines 8 Comments »

For those of you that are regular readers of Fire Joe Morgan, it is apparently impossible for a journalist to write an article about David Eckstein without mentioning that he is only 4’2″ tall. These journalists are also required to mention that despite being so small, Eckstein’s heart is the size of a Winnebago and he has used said heart and grittiness to overcome his dwarfism to will his teams to victory.

Well, if recent articles written by Rays’ journalists are any indication, the Rays may one day have their own “David Eckstein”. That is, a player that is able to overcome a deficiency, beat the odds and become a major league baseball player.

His name is Fernando Perez.

Perez has managed to become one of the Rays’ top prospects, despite being, well, you know…smart. If you are unaware, Perez attended Columbia University, which is enough to automatically label you as one of the smartest people on the planet.

From the St. Pete Times:

For Fernando Perez, the road to pro baseball was paved in an unlikely place.

This is not because there is an absence of smart baseball players. It is because Ivy League universities don’t offer sports scholarships. Not many high school kids and their families are going to turn down a free-ride from other schools which are nearly, if not just as good.

From the Bradenton Herald:

For a seventh-round draft pick with impressive minor league credentials, Perez certainly strayed from the path most taken by minor league prospects while on his way to the Tampa Bay Rays…Columbia is known for churning out American presidents and Supreme Court Justices and Nobel Prize winners. But switch-hitting center fielders?

Maybe not switch-hitting center fielders, but Columbia has just as many hall of fame baseball players (Lou Gehrig, Sandy Koufax) as US Presidents (Franklin Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt). Oh yeah, and did you know that Perez strayed from the path most taken by minor league prospects?

From MLB.com:

Labeling Fernando Perez as the Rays’ “erudite outfielder” sounds like stereotyping. Then again, how many players have majored in american cultural studies and creative writing at Columbia University en route to their professional baseball careers?…No, Perez is not your typical ballplayer, or typical person you meet in any walk of life.

Does Bill Chastain stray from the path most taken by other journalists that profile Fernando Perez? Only in the sense that Chastain feels the need to use the word “erudite” to show the readers that his vocabulary is just as big as this stuck-up smart baseball player from an Ivy League school.

That is three articles in the past month for a prospect that has never played a game above AA. If BJ Upton is moved to right field in 2009 or 2010 and Perez becomes the everyday center fielder for the Rays and the Rays are a playoff contender…As Rays fans we need to brace ourselves for what will certainly be 1.6 kazillion million articles telling us how Fernando Perez overcame his abnormally large brain to become a major league baseball player. Hopefully by that time, David Eckstein will have retired and the boys at FJM can refocus their attention to the authors of those journalistic piles of poo.