FireJoeMorgan seems to think they can just close up shop and deprive us all of whatever it was they did, which somehow always made us feel better about ourselves.

The Professor: OMG OMG OMG!!! It’s an FJMchat! Get out your [sic]s, fire up the WTF?! machine and say your goodbyes, people.*

FireJoeMorgan: Hello, everyone.

TP: Yes, this is a rambling, dumb opening statement, in which FJM lay down their patented two word information-less vamp before just getting to the motherfletching point. And yes, what they actually say is particularly dumb.

FJM: After 21 years, and almost 40 million posts (we’ll have to check those numbers, but it’s something like that), we have decided to bring FJM to an end.

TP: WTF?!

FJM: Although we have not lost our borderline-sociopathic joy for meticulously criticizing bad sports journalism, the realities of our professional and personal lives make FJM a time/work luxury we can no longer afford.

TP: Is there any less specific analysis than “It’s not you, it’s us?” It is timeless, generic, and unhelpful. If FJM were an actual media criticizing blog — and we were forced repeatedly to conclude that they were not (they really just had a crush on Joe Morgan) — they might have said something about the socio-economic times or how being married keeps a good man down or that they finally decided to move out of their mom’s basement or something. Instead, what they are contractually obligated to say is: “the realities of our professional and personal lives.” Which is true of every blogger, every single year. So, nice work.

FJM: We started this site with two purposes: to make each other laugh, and to aid and abet the Presidential campaign of Bob Barr. Although we failed in the latter goal, we gleefully succeeded in the first, and thanks to a grassroots internetty [sic] word-of-mouth kind of a deal, we appear to have positively affected the lives of actual citizens as well, which astonishes and delights us to this day. We really never thought FJM would be for anyone but us. We are thrilled and kind of humbled to have been proven wrong.

TP: Yes, we like to make up words also, but for old time’s sake, let’s just throw a [sic] after “internetty” for the fun of it. If anything, it is a word that would only be spoken by somebody that writes a blog while wearing Superman Underoos and eating leftover meatloaf.

FJM: We thank all of you for the kind emails, and the tips, and the support. To each and every person who ever contacted us: hat tip to you.

TP: You have no idea what you are talking about. Most of the emails were just your mom emailing you repeatedly to boost your confidence in hopes that you guys will someday meet girls. The rest were from Jon Miller.

FJM: Perhaps the future holds another project for us on which to waste massive amounts of time. For now, we will leave the site and the archives up as a testament to the fact that if you work hard enough, and blow off enough social occasions, and stare at the internet enough, and get nerdy enough, and repeatedly ignore entreaties from your friends and loved ones to please God stop blogging about Bill Plaschke and get out of the house it’s a beautiful day!, then you, too, can…have a blog.

TP: We need to create a whole new blog called HireFireJoeMorgan.

Sure, FJM led the blogosphere in stats like WHE (working hard enough), BOSO (blowing off social occasions), SRI (staring at internet per 9 innings) and NERD+ (nerdiness). Those stats tell us pretty accurately what FJM did for the internet.

But those stats are not the real reason FJM became first-ballot blog hall of famers. The real reasons are the factors that can’t be measured with an abacus. FJM was scrappy. They were gritty. They had spunk. They were smart. And why? Because they were able to overcome handicaps such as the 5′x5′ unfinished basement with a pot in the corner for a commode. They were able to overcome the 486 computer running windows 3.1 and dial-up internet….WHIRRRRLLLL-BEEP-BEEP-PFT-BEEP-BOING-BOING-DING-BEEP-PISSSSSSSSSS-BOING…You’ve Got Mail!

FJM: Again, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you. And as Joe Morgan himself might say: “I really haven’t seen them play…slidepiece…Dave Concepcion.”

TP: No. Joe Morgan would have said “You have to keep talent if you’re going to build, even if they are going to trade this in for real lives. They’ve been the best blog, so yes, I think it was a good move.”

FJM: Love, dak, Junior, and Ken

TP: Fire these people. Immediately.

*Most of the commentary in this post was blatantly stolen from the archives of Fire Joe Morgan. We could think of no better way to tribute their greatness than by dishing to them a little of their own medicine…literally (sorta).

Post #1377: The Relatively Short Goodbye [Fire Joe Morgan]

 
 

3 Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    well played

  2. James says:

    i was going to call you out if there wasn’t a food metaphor. but you came through.

  3. FJM 4 Life says:

    Ok. Who is going to start HireFireJoeMorgan.com? In 3,2,1. Go.

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